http://www.myspace.com/neonhitch

That’s her real name. I cannot listen to rap songs now without thinking of her covering them. Why did i wake up with nori roll sheets in my bed? did I sleep with a japanese person? Who names their kid Neon? I’m exhausted.

Your meta excuses for buying a small island are no good to me. Go back to Columbia and rethink your existentialist quandaries without a world-wide vodka consuming demographic, yeah?

Julia Stiles, I would never have a drink with you. Also for an actress you display an underwhelming amount of emotion. Whelming, even. FOR SHAME, JULIA!

It was only until I saw dear Karl in the quirky New Zealand flick “The Price of Milk“, the I became smitten. It must have been his native New Zealander accent, to be honest. Not only is the film great, Karl basically takes of his pants and dives into a vat of milk for the wettest sex scene in cinematic history. Yup: It’s in my top ten movies of all time. ALL TIME.

Two gallons, please.

Not only that, according to IMDB, Karl spent several weeks learned to ride horseback in anticipation of his role as Eomer in Lord of theRings. “He wanted to learn to neck rein, a method of steering a horse using one hand while leaving the other hand free to wield a sword.”

Whatever THAT means. It’s cool, Karl. You’re pretty cute, even with a shetland pony on your face.

Look out for him in the sure to be blockbuster, RED. Sexy trailer below.  

I would’ve liked to try and condense this review into our “100 words or less” category, but I’m sort of pissed at how much this book sucks, and didn’t want to curb my unpleasant reaction.

Tao Lin is a really great writer if you like reading accounts of boring and mundane events made even more boring and mundane by his exhaustive, repetitive, and confusing descriptions. I was reminded of this by the recent story on Gawker that recounts Tao Lin’s ejection from the NYU book store. Lin writes the story himself, and after probably 300 words, I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. He uses pages and pages to describe an incident that probably took no more than 2 hours, and isn’t wildly entertaining to begin with. Who even cares that you got thrown out of the NYU bookstore (unless you set it on fire or something)? BORING.

So anyway, this one time I started reading “Eee Eee Eee.” I got halfway through, and I’m still pretty sure that nothing (interesting, at least) has happened. Sure, there are dolphins and bears and weird shit, but it is without question the most banal “weird shit” I’ve ever read, because it doesn’t mean a damn thing and seems only to exist as an attempt at distracting the reader from how fucking bored they are. It may just be one of the most useless pieces of text I have ever held up in front of my face. I really didn’t want to quit on the book, because I’m no quitter, and because I didn’t want the $4.90 I spent purchasing it from the clearance table at Urban Outfitters to go to waste, but, after about a few pages, I can see why even disaffected hipsters wouldn’t buy this piece of trash for the cover price.

Tao Lin is like Miranda July if Miranda July sucked and wasn’t any good at what she does, which is create genuinely unique and human characters. Tao Lin’s characters are bored rich suburbanites who are depressed and boring and depressing and never do anything. And not even in an interesting way. In a way that screams, “Hey I wrote this book about myself when I was a student at NYU and I came from the suburbs which are just so boring and numbing and that’s interesting want to read about it? I have no experience outside of my insular pointless life which is probably just like your insular pointless life so while this is completely uninteresting you can at least relate. Oh I’m just so above it all that I am bored to tears.” Some people are just like, too fucking cool to care, right?

There is nothing likable about the main character in this book. All he does is moan about being depressed and bored and how he misses some girl who is only vaguely described and is, as far as I can tell, a cookie cutter Manic Pixie Dream Girl who is just sooo quirky how could anyone not be in love with her? Regardless of the unbelievability and nonexistence of a girl like this, if she were real, chances are 100% that she wouldn’t want to hang out with a brooding, boring douchebag like the main character.

In conclusion, it’s possible that I would give Tao Lin another chance. But let’s just make it very clear, so far, he sucks. It’s like he’s trying to be the representative for “our” generation of apathetic, American Apparel-wearing, coffee-drinking, film/writing/art students in the way that Dave Eggers created a voice for the disaffected yet idealistic MTVers of his, except that he sucks. And I know a lot of people don’t like Dave Eggers, but this guy isn’t even a Dave Eggers. I just want to punch this book right in its fucking face!!

I had no idea how cute Seth Green was until I decided to mentally check out these past couple of weeks and devour 3 seasons of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Joss Whedon, obviously, will have to be another skeet entirely.

But let’s not stray from the point: Seth Green is FUCKING ADORABLE, has red hair, is both a talented actor, producer, and voice-over artist, and, finally, has that incredible ability to choose projects wisely. I wish we could say the same things about most celebrities out there.

Here are my favorite things that Seth Green is involved with, and/or created:

• Robot Chicken
• WWE
• Stephen King’s “It”
• Being a redhead AND a pisces. Whoa.
• Family Guy (well, not so much the show, but his voice for Chris IS pretty great)
• Scott from Austin Powers… (admit it. You had a crush on his black nail polish in 8th grade)

…And the list goes on. In an era of over-saturation and shameless promotion, Seth Green has managed to blend our favorite brand of “under the radar” existence with a keen sense of when to step into the limelight.

Carry on Seth Green. Carry on!

I first came across the web series “Very Mary Kate” via Alison’s facebook wall. Little did I know what I was in for…and just how obsessed I would become. Series producer, director, writer, and all-around star Ellaine Carroll does an incredible job capturing the essence of basket-casedom that is Mary Kate Olsen, twice a week, in thirty second web clips. Get a taste, below!

Incredible, no?

I got a chance to grill the lovely Ms. Carroll about what it’s like being an Olsen, and how the hell she does such a kick ass job channeling an 80-pound Paris Hilton with an afghan.

First of all, we here at Googly Eyes love your show. Thank you so much for finding time to answer our questions! What inspired you to do it? Why Mary Kate? Don’t you miss eating??

I’ve been making web videos for a while now, and I wanted to try my hand at writing a series.  I was also hoping to turn my Olsen Twin impression into something bigger.

What is it like to shoot, write, produce, and star in your own webseries? Exhausting, sure- but how do you manage to keep creativity high and keep the humor so fresh every time? It’s so bad I have to stop imbibing liquids while watching your show, for fear of spewing all over the place (again).

Acting, writing, producing, and editing “Very Mary-Kate” is a lot of work, but it’s far from exhausting.  The most important part of my process is having fun.  I’ve been doing the Olsen twin impression long enough that I’m very comfortable in their skin so to speak, so the scripts find a way to write themselves.

I think something we all love is your use of simple one shots. We almost never see two characters in the same frame (except when you doubled yourself as Ashley). It’s hard to keep people interested- and keep faking those over the shoulders- but you do it flawlessly. The editing, also, is very fast and tight. BRAVO!

Thanks!  By keeping the shots simple, it keeps the production easy.   I fake the OTS shots by setting up the other girl’s hair on a wig stand.

What is it like filming with the canon 5D? (not sure if it’s mark ii or i for you). Is there a lot of lighting crap? Do you have a “gaffer”?

Shooting on the Canon 5D is great – no more lugging around a huge camera!  I don’t have a gaffer – I just use natural light.

Were/are you an NYU student? What is your acting background? How do you prune your lips so well?? You’re so method.

LOL!  I was an acting major at Marymount Manhattan College in New York City.  NYU rejected me. I can prune my lips because my face is made of rubber.

If you could name one MK&A movie you would be stranded on a desert island with (along with a DVD player, of course), which would it be? Anything but “The Challenge”

Good question.  I’d bring that episode of Weeds that MK was in.  She rocked it.

Bodyguard is hot. Sorry. Brotherguard. Just had to put that out there. Gross.

Bodyguard is played by Luke Sholl.  He’s great, isn’t he?

Has Mary Kate contacted you? What kind of crazy awesome press are you getting? Lots, I’m sure. I have my fingers crossed, FunnyOrDie style

Mary-Kate has not contacted me, but her younger sister Liz tweeted at me to say “You so got her.”  I’m getting some pretty awesome press – AOL, Chigaco Now, Logo, etc

Lastly, what’s next for Very Mary Kate? Bob Saget appearances? Edible Bagels? Babies on leashes in the baby park? Here at Googly Eyes, we are choking at the bit for more episodes.

It would be amazing to get Bob Saget – even if just for a second.  I’d give my first born child, D’arangelo Eunich Trollface.

Wow. What a woman. What a baby’s name. Check out my favorite episodes below, as well as her incredible character reel. My personal favorite characters, next to MK of course: Amelie Conjugating the Verb Aller, Kate Winslet Sets Up Her Voicemail, and That Woman From Poltergeist’s Cooking Show. Genius.

Visit her awesome website, hilarious twitter, and her sick personal blog.

Holy crap- did anyone ever notice this in the 90s hit “Stitches”? Captions like “perfunctory performance” “poorly mimed playback” and the intro with a legit music video treatment are small details i never noticed when i was 15 and this was popular.

It’s like they got disillusioned with the whole music video process, and I don’t blame them. I can only imagine what some of the bids for this project looked like: “Band enters, takes off clothes, orgy ensues, HAHHAHAHA get it? I am using your band name in the plot! I’M SUCH A TALENTED DIRECTOR I’M GOING TO PUT PORN IN MY TREATMENT”

Director Rocky Morton (of Super Mario Bros. fame) does an awesome job making a typical performance video interesting, playing on the pastiche of what has become a tired visual genre. 1999, you were so good to me.

Which one do you think is better? Does underwater decapitation count as slow motion? Do I suffer from Ong Bak 2 a la Eli Roth syndrome? Brb while I go apply a fresh coat of lipgloss, soon to be followed by a WWE smackdown.

Hold up- is that twelve-year-old holding a Motorola RAZR?

And…wait…is that a canon Vixia?!?!?

Yup:

Kids these days. So spoiled.

Tall, dark, and handsome. Nathan Fillion, you are the hotness triumvirate of my sci-fi dreams.

A lot of men make a career out of being perpetually flustered (Hugh Grant), idiotic (Steve Carell), or a hot piece of ass (Jonah Hill). Nathan, however, has cornered the market of being brutish-yet-sensitive. It’s a fine line between gory violence and being a big ole teddy bear, but Nathan toes it successfully.

He’s kinda like that opening scene of James Bond’s Casino Royale, where we see Bond run into brick walls and trip over construction cranes and witness his composure haphazardly crumble. ADORABLE.

Seriously: almost all of Nathan’s characters are clumsy, from Mal in Firefly, to the Hammer in Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, even in his role as Dr. Pomatter in Waitress. Yet, using his bull-in-a-china-shop charm, Nathan always earns his paycheck.

Not only that, but Nathan Fillion has one of the funniest celebrity twitters on my feed. Favorites include, but are not limited to:

“What is walking pneumonia feel like? Because what I’ve got feels more like crawling pneumonia.”

“On a Castle promo set, I took a short cut thru a window. There was a screen in there. Had already committed. Had to go straight thru.”

“Goodbye, NYC. you are the sexy ex-girlfriend I’m still attracted to. And you like me, too. http://yfrog.com/1yfnxij“

…and those were only from the first page.

Oh Nathan, your lack of self-seriousness attracts me so!

Huzzah!